Prison Diaries – The Flesh is Weak

Ps. 119:82
“My eyes grow weary (looking) for what You have promised;”
 v.84 “How many days (must) Your servant (wait)?”

Life on the outside, waiting, has felt like I’ve spent more time in the fire than living, and I can tell you it is absolutely a God thing to wait this long. It’s not human.

I would love to tell you I was completely faithful and that I was spotless and blemish free to Matthew throughout these 27yrs of waiting, but that is not the way of the flesh…especially when the flesh is putting up a fight to remain, even in the fire.

Stubbornness, anger and resentments rise to the surface like dross. God will allow seasons to come which will bring all the ugliness in us to the surface, but He reveals to heal! Write that down! 🙂

I have faced lots of things I just didn’t want to do or even know how to do: Oil change for the lawn mower, car repairs/maintenance, clogged shower or sink drains, being stuck with both inside and outside chores, killing spiders, hearing mice in the attic, being alone during power outages, hauling/loading/and stacking 6 tons of pellets every year by myself… are just a few examples of things that I’d rather not deal with alone. “That’s the man’s job” playing in my mind would cause resentment to stir, the ideas of what’s the man’s chore and what’s the woman’s chores goes out the window, but not easily…all the chores are now mine.

Faithfulness and Commitments don’t seem to mean much these days, what with 43 hour marriages, people embrace their feelings rather than their commitments. For better or worse…do we even see that anymore?  

One thing I’ve learned along the way is that Faithfulness and Commitment are choices we make – not a feeling…it’s an intentional choice to choose the commitment over the desires of our bodies. Just because our body wants something, that doesn’t make it right for us or beneficial to us. There is no way we can be faithful or committed to someone if we are living to please our bodies.

According to scripture, none of us face temptations that are unique or beyond our ability to say no to – I used to think that was a bunch of bunk, because I felt no one could say that if they felt the strong desire I did. But it’s actually true. (A note: when the temptation is overpowering regularly and endlessly, it could be more than a temptation – it could be addiction.) But even regular temptation is so powerful the bible says we must flee it!

1. Fleeing temptation is to stop dwelling on it in our mind. It all starts in the mind! Taking thoughts captive is harder than it sounds, and requires a constant effort. It takes mental muscle to take your thoughts captive, to reject them when they pop up, and to cast them down to hell where they came from.

Don’t give up even though it seems you can’t or won’t ever be able to get a handle on your thoughts, because you will get there if you stay determined. And don’t be surprised if the mental battle gets worse when you start taking thoughts captive, the enemy doesn’t want to lose ground and will fight for your mind. Your mind is how he can steer you in the wrong direction. But you can take back the controls!

2. Flee from the people or things tempting you!! If you hang around with people who are tempting you to do things you shouldn’t, or are allowing yourself to be exposed to magazines, movies, etc…that tempt you, flee from all of that! Get away from the people and whatever is tempting you. Get it out of your life. Guard your life to preserve it. Live it unto the Lord.

My rules: I do not hang out socially with single people, I do not allow myself to be alone with the opposite sex married or not, I keep contact with them to a minimum and always share with Matthew any contact with men. Those are rules I have chosen to live by to keep me away from temptations. They might give you ideas. *I would also caution you on opposite sex friendships, they are risky – handle with prayer*

Faithfulness and Commitment also require Selflessness. A lot of my “self” has had to be burned up in waiting for Matthew. What I want, getting my way, my flesh ruling rather than the Spirit…lots of ugly stuff. I heard Pastor Libby Fannin say once in a message that sometimes a dream gets so hard to wait on you want it to die just so you don’t have to wait on it anymore. I understand, because I have felt that way. It could be a whole post by itself. 🙂

A little bit more of “self” dies when we don’t get our dream when we want it. And sometimes a marriage is more difficult than we want it to be, or imagined it would be. The dream we had of what it would be is stepped on by reality; the choice is: we pack up and give up, or we push self aside and work on it.

It’s all up to us! It’s all a choice we have to make and live with. Thanks be to Jesus for the forgiveness that is ours when we mess up and miss the mark, and thanks be to Jesus for the victory to win over the flesh!


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